I awoke feeling tired, in pain and short-tempered. But less weary than yesterday. On a walk to the village I was in great pain with every step (in my groin). Back at the house, I could barely stand up. Who knows what is happening to my body. In the morning’s supervision with Karaj and Kuldip, we talked about the fact that Simran will never change. I need to remain short-tempered for when he and Dev arrive tomorrow. Karaj added:
‘Continue, step by step, to lay the foundations. They will have consequences for all, even when you are no longer around. Just keep on going and be patient.’
Having smoked yesterday, I see the connection to today’s feelings. I go down when I have to return to reality after the stoned fantasy, because I want to remain in that fantasy world. That’s why life was so difficult after my holidays in Germany with Francis. This connects to the previous entry about requiring a strong Parent ego state.
I gained another insight from arranging Cécile’s next appointment. It took three calls to sort it out. She was reluctant to have a 3 o’clock one, but when I told her there was no choice she changed her arrangements. People want it easy and if I do not stand firm I will end up accommodating them and ruining my own life. Stand firm. (Vision: be strong-minded.)
I sat in on the evening session with Serena and Michelle. Also present were Harriet and Kuldip. We discussed our computer needs with Serena. They need to be considered within the therapeutic framework – a complex issue because people’s scripts are at work. Serena is keen to work on it. For her it is a combination of work and personal development. How lucky am I then, to be doing what I am doing? I have all that, all the time.
I read Karaj’s work appraisal of me as an example of what it means to work here: it’s work, but it’s more than that because of the importance of sorting my life out within the therapeutic environment.
At midnight, after everyone had left, I sat with Karaj in C1. We discussed Dev and tomorrow’s men’s group and admired the cottage we have built.
Summary: A tough day physically. Pain relief comes from quietness and lack of movement. Laid good foundations in the office for next week’s work.