For the first half hour of this morning’s work with Karaj I was wholly ineffective, not able to assimilate any information or get a clear head, and became more and more anxious. The more anxious I get the more I try to please people to cover it up, which is impossible especially with Karaj, and that makes my anxiety worse. Finally, I verbalised it after hearing him say to Harriet that I am of no use to him and keep forgetting things on my to-do list. Once verbalised I calmed down a little and was able to get involved in the work.
I had calls with Ishwar and Simran this evening. I felt better as a result of each call and so did they. The regular calls will help me to see the love and support we provide for each other rather than the perception I have when we first get together in the mornings that we are all in competition together. I worked until 02:00 updating my to-do list. Using this format also as my self-appraisal has taken some getting used to, but it is starting to flow much better now.
Summary: started off in a daze and had only glimpses of partial clarity all day. Talking to Karaj and Dev I slowed myself down but when alone I got wrapped up in the quantity of work in front of me. Did what I could and phoned people: Calvin, Ishwar, Simran. By the end of the night I was feeling much clearer and had a sense of achievement which had seemed so far away when the day began this morning.