Two days ago, Karaj had addressed Dev and me, saying we are working very hard but there is no commitment from us, and that is because we are emotional. He added that people simply need to be more proactive; see the overall picture, see what needs doing and do it. This morning I spent a couple of hours in a bookshop. Every book I picked up, I opened at a page about perceptions. Also, curiously, I asked a book of answers whether I should stay or go. The answer was: It would be better to focus on your work. I smiled at being told what I am told every day. Get out of emotions and into work. Right now, I’m not entirely sure I can.
Summary: I’ve had enough. It is clear to me that I do not have the commitment to achieve what is expected of me, so my thoughts today have been of resignation. I should talk about it, but the way things are set up here, there is no room for emotions. I will simply be told to go, and as I am not sure what to do – confused and feeling low – I’ll stay quiet. I just have to hang on a little longer, but it is getting more and more difficult, just as Karaj predicted. I heard him say to someone tonight that we are clients who no other therapist would have, and that he is our last resort. Not the most inspiring of comments, but hey, I can walk out of here whenever I want. I’m tired.
[What I was not fully aware of at the time, was the option of talking about emotional situations without getting emotional. Had I raised my issue in this way I would have been heard and I would have been able to move forward. The answer may have been the same – ‘You can go’ – but I would have been less likely to leave, because of the lack of emotions.]