Spoke to Karaj this morning. I failed to lay any foundations in Germany. This is not good enough. If I really want to get back there then I need to lay the foundations so that when the conditions are right, everything will fall into place. The fact that I have no idea how it is going to work is no excuse. All I need to do is talk to people. I was so preoccupied with my own expectations that nothing happened. A missed opportunity. Relax, forget the expectations and assumptions and concentrate on the laying the foundations brick by brick.
Karaj also told me that I have many more skills than he does, and if I could only focus on those skills and all the other positives about myself then I could make my life easier in an instant. I have no problem with this in theory; it’s the practice which I find difficult. In addition, despite my observations that I am surrounded by parental figures, Karaj tells me I am not. Wealth and security are no guarantee of maturity. Again, this is fine in theory but I need to work very hard to accept and internalise it. At the end of the day it all comes down to comparisons. Cut them out. Every time I am tempted to compare, simply look at myself and highlight the positives instead of dredging for negatives.
[Karaj: If you must compare, then you should be clear about the criteria by which you are comparing.]
I can help myself by being more positive in my writing. The talk with Karaj this morning highlighted the need to be positive about myself, and my writings are the perfect platform to launch a new state of mind.
Had a good conversation with Arun about the space I’m in – not knowing what I want, where I’m going or who I am. She told me that she has also been there and the only thing I can do is to go with it, don’t think about it and don’t worry. I enjoyed the talk. It was more relaxed than our exchanges normally are and I had the distinct impression that we are better off supporting each other than competing with each other, which is often how it seems to me.
Karaj talked to me about comparisons again. If I must make them then I need clearly defined, fixed and external criteria. Whatever I do, I need to be very, very careful that my present state of mind does not completely fuck up all the work and progress I have made.
Keep telling yourself ‘YOU CAN’. Be positive. Be positivity.
[Karaj: Be accountable for your success and your skills.]