It happened because I got drawn into the concept of personhood; identifying with the veneer rather than with the stuff underneath. It’s okay that it happened because I saw it more clearly, and seeing is half the battle. And it’s a sign that I am doing well because my script only fights back when there is something to fight against.
All this refers to the previous post about being floored by my script and my ego. The day before it happened I had been content with everything. My was life on the firmest footing ever and I felt a sense of ease wherever looked. Unbeknown to me, all the while that was going on I was closely flanked by those two dominant aspects of existence – script & ego – waiting to deploy their latest, painful lessons.
My problems arose because I became enticed by that state of well-being. Rather than just be it and observe it with a neutral eye, I allowed myself to be pulled into it; away from my intended focus, and away from who I really am. As a result, my defences were down and my script struck, followed a week later by my ego.
What a gift. What a clear sign of the forces acting on us when we are attracted by the world of personality – of who we believe ourselves to be. I began this year with a clear intention to let go and be empty, and within the first few weeks I was literally brought to my knees.
That’s why it’s okay that it happened and why it’s a sign that I am doing well. For these forces to be drawn into the open and exposed in this way is really precious. This work is grounded in the discipline of observation because when we see things clearly, change is already taking place. The contrast of the contentment and the pain is having the same effect on me as the silence and the anger I wrote about last year.
This has been a glorious revelation of something I have always known. But knowing is never enough. Experiencing and seeing are the two aspects of this work which have the power to change everything.
It is only through experiencing that we are able to internalise things. And seeing clearly reinforces the experience in a way which makes it unnecessary to experience it again. Of course we do go through experiences again (and again) because we forget, or we get distracted or cocky. But the clearer we see what is happening, the easier it is to navigate our way through it, take the fullest learning possible, and move beyond it.
So what do I do when my back has fully recovered and I find myself feeling pleased with where I am? Be humble and balanced. Relax, breathe, and know that it’s neither good nor bad, it just is. Then return with deliberation and focus to the intention with which I began this year: Let go. Let go of everything and reside in the peace and emptiness which remains.