Friday
I felt stiff & tired during my exercises. Is the numbness spreading down my calves? It’s difficult to tell whether things are getting worse or better. Simran arrived in the early morning feeling tired, weary & miserable/sad. I sat him down and made him a cup of tea. He responded saying, ‘You didn’t have to‘. I challenged him that I didn’t have to put his arse out when he was on fire either, but I am supporting him. He talked more when working in the garden but still had to be prompted.
Prior to the men’s group in the evening, I chatted to Leon about his forthcoming trip to Germany. I noticed how easily I engaged and how Simran hovered on the fringe of the conversation. We finished around 23:00, after which I spoke with Karaj. He said there is too much blocking and negativity in the group but we are edging forward. I summarised my day: I had caught myself being too keen during the work in the garden and stood back more. Dev is taking charge and is serving as an inspiration to me; it’s just what I need in the group. And I need to consider the consequences of what I do.
15 hours.
Saturday
Chatted with Karaj about the negativity in last night’s group, Simran’s negativity, and how the younger members need to be more aggressive (with each other). We began working outside at 10:00 and finished at 20:00. During the day, Calvin and Ishwar joined Karaj, Simran, Dev and myself. At times there was high energy and the work flowed easily, even in the confined space of the corridor and under the conservatory roof. Calvin was slow to get started but he worked at a steady pace. I got him more involved and also sped him up a little. I felt the emotions and indignation when Karj shouted at us for not having communicated everything. Take control.
As we changed for the evening session, I spoke with Simran about his day and pursued him when he began to get negative. I brought in the others Dev, Ishwar (Calvin was also present) and made progress. Simran said ‘Whenever I am engaged (with my clients) I am not thinking about my own shit‘. The supervision went on until 00:30. I saw today that although I worked well on my own and did a decent job of involving others, I need to use people to tidy up and get things done otherwise I do it alone and get resentful. Stand back & delegate (not doing so is Adapted Child behaviour). Procedures. Pastiming is also about procedures and procedures create relationships. Procedures are about doing the same thing every time.
18 hours.
Sunday
Talked to Karaj before my exercises. I am feeling very tired. Too much emotion. By the end of the day I was feeling even more tired – too tired to get emotional. Throughout the day my tiredness caused me to be withdrawn, but not down. However, the distance I gained from the others as a result of my withdrawal allowed me to see the bigger picture and also the pull which causes me to get too involved (in detail). I don’t want to be left out.
Worked effectively to provide the men with the documents they wanted before they left. With his to-do list, Ishwar remarked on how much clearer and lighter he is now that things were on paper rather than in his head. I rested here and there during the evening, but was knocked back a little by Harriet hanging up on me. Karaj told me not to take it personally. That’s just the way it is sometimes.
Paradoxically, in my tired state I feel as though I am actually getting somewhere, although I tend to view the feedback on Karaj’s statements as evidence that I am not. Relax. Karaj said today that now people are moving forward, I will too. That’s how it feels to me, especially considering the inspiration which Dev is proving to be. There is a feeling of not being alone and of having others around me who can also show me the way. One other point: uniqueness means there can be no comparison. I compare how well people are doing in their lives without looking at how well I am doing in my life.
17 hours.